I’m scared…

Well, I finally got the time and date of chemo day one.  Friday.  Show up at 11:30a for the doc apt and 12:30p is chemo start.  I’m scared.

I want to be one of the “lucky” ones.  I want to be all strong, and I want to “respond well.”  The study nurse predicts I’ll “respond well.”  But, I want to ask, does that mean I’ll feel decently okay?  Or does that mean I won’t be puking my guts out?  No one has decent answers for me.

And part of me is totally relieved – we’re finally getting started.  And part of me is – oh my god – it’s really here – time to start putting poison in my body, in hopes that the cancer cells will die out and my “normal” cells will remain reasonably healthy.  And part of me is totally pissed, because I feel like this should not have happened… and I’m going to feel like crap on purpose – for about half a year…  and then I’ll have surgery…  and I have no control over my schedule…  I’m just told when to show up for most of these appointments.  I have to cancel five meetings on friday because we had originally planned for chemo day one on Thursday.

F*CK – how did this happen?  (sorry – I do swear from time to time – those who know me, you can stop laughing now please).


About rleepenn

I'm a mom and a chemistry professor, and I love to ride bikes! On July 29th, 2011, I received the news that I have breast cancer. This is my blog....
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5 Responses to I’m scared…

  1. thelma says:

    Good luck on Friday!!! I am thinking on you.
    Boa sorte, Thelma.

  2. Leslie Flynn says:

    Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway -John Wayne
    Go get’m cowgirl

  3. Kathryn Jensen says:

    “The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” -C.C. Scott…………………
    “Lee’s spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” -K.A. Jensen

    TOY (Thinking of You)

  4. Jen Hanks says:

    Good luck tomorrow. You will do great. You have the spirit to keep moving and so you will. We can ‘chat’ anytime. Oh, and are you starting on taxol or taxotere? You may want to use glutamine as a supplement to help reduce peripheral neuropathies. Let me know if you want the protocol. I should have thought of this sooner! Jen.

  5. Dabs says:

    If you weren’t scared there would be something much bigger wrong! The first one is the worst, physically they got slightly more draining after that but the fear of the unknown is gone and frankly that was much worse than the rest of it.

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